This goes out to all those single parents.

It’s been almost exactly nine months since my husband left me.

I have become so sick of seeing feel better posts about being a single mother, and so tired of hearing about how it’s going to get better. Right now I feel sometimes that I can’t see the forest for the trees.

It’s been nine months of fumbling a play. Nine months of not knowing where my head was at. Nine months of having to excuse my spaciness on my situation. There are almost no blogs, no writers and no one who wants to talk about how dirty it is being separated and becoming a single mom(or parent) . How messy it can be in the beginning when you have the rug ripped out from under you. But I think it’s super important to address those moments.

The moments when you have no clue what your next step is. The moments where you get so desperate for breathing room to just think for second that you almost contemplate begging him to come back. But you’re too proud. No one’s helping you and you don’t want anyone to know you’re weak, so you bite your tongue, hold your breath, wipe the sweat off your palms and hang on for dear life. You pray to keep hope alive, but you’re slowly losing your faith. You try to stay strong for your child but find yourself over compensating in so many ways. You just want lose it but keep it together all at the same time.

Most people might have taken some time off immediately, I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to but because I was left dangling over a financial EOD. I had no money, he quit his job and we already had collectors knocking on our proverbial door. I couldn’t catch a break, and I was more mad over being left to take care of it, like usual, than being left.

Add to all of that my poor sons emotional damage and having no comprehension of what was happening and I was on the verge of losing it any minute.

Pure grit is how I survived those first few months. I barely remember them. I remember the feeling of struggle. But it all blurred together so much, I couldn’t tell you much about what was happening.

I don’t know how it feels now to be honest. I’m more numb. I know a little bit more about how I need to get it together to actually move forward instead of just survive now. But I’m still so numb, and worn down, I don’t know how to accomplish what I need to. I’m trying to figure it out. I really am. But I need to rest a bit first. Recover some of the strength and emotional stability I need for my next move.

If you’re going through a recent separation and need to talk, please talk to me. I know what it’s like to search online for someone, anyone who has an inkling of what you’re going through and isn’t trying to shove some sappy inspirational quote down your throat. Sometimes you need to hear that yes, it does suck, it sucks so bad to be put in that situation. I’m here for you.

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Starting over

Sometimes life throws us curve-balls and we struggle to catch them, fumble and end up losing the game. This has been my life since January. It’s been a bumpy ride, with many things coming out of left field. I felt for a while like I was just getting tossed around in the waves of everything in life happening that I for sure never planned. This isn’t how my life was supposed to turn out. Nothing is going right.

But that’s okay. I’m learning about myself and learning more about other people.

My husband left me in January and it felt like it came out of left field. I really thought we were doing alright, and although things weren’t perfect by any means, it didn’t mean that I was ready to call it quits. But lately, like I said, nothing is working like it was supposed to.

I’m learning to be okay with everything, well as much as one can be. I’m learning that I am a stronger person than I thought, but not nearly as strong as I want or need to be. I’m learning to toughen up, stand up for myself when I need to or when know I haven’t done anything wrong and also trying to keep the sensitive side of me alive too. I refuse to be so hardened by the world that I become de-sensitized to others.

So today, I start over on here.  I am going to just use this forum as a brain dump mostly. I want to try to share my struggles as well as my triumphs. Being a fairly new single mama is tough, but it’s not impossible. I welcome any and all feedback as well, suggestions and comments.